Great Excuses for Monday Morning

• If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
• When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.  I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
• I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
• My stigmata's acting up.
• I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
• I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
  that deadline to meet...
• I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
• Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
• Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
• The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
• The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
• My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
• I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
• I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
• I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.