Ineffective Affirmations

• As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
• I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
• I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
• I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
• In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
• Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others. 
• My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment. 
• I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
• I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
• Joan of Arc heard voices too.
• I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
• I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
• As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
• When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
• The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
• All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
• I am at one with my duality.
• Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
• I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
• Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
• I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
• Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
• False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
• A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
• Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.  Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
• Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone.
• Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying
  about the future?
• The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
• I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
• Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
• To understand all is to fear all.
• I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
• The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
• To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
• I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.