What I Didn't Know Until I Had Kids

• How many seconds it takes to microwave 4 fish sticks perfectly.
• Who John Jacob Jingle Heimershmitt is.
• How to change a diaper in the dark, in a parked car, on a standing child and all of the above simultaneously.
• Which lines of The Cat in the Hat and If I Ran the Circus can be skipped over without a child noticing.
• How bright a 3 a.m. full moon is.
• The design marvels of hooded towels, Velcro-strap shoes and mitten clips.
• Locations of public restrooms all across town.
• Why anyone would bother retracing their steps for miles just to retrieve a lost blankie.
• That tigers live in the trees in our backyard.
• The amazing technicolor variety of infant stool.
• How to open a van door while bobbling 2 lunch boxes, two extra coats, a purse, a diaper bag and a baby.
• The fine art of vacuuming a floor without hosing up a Barbie shoe or a Playmobil cannonball.
• That solid white socks get lost in the dryer at a much slower rate than do the mates of patterned socks that coordinate to special outfits.
• How little sleep a human body truly needs to function.
• Almost every Disney lyric ever penned.
• How to spell amoxicillin, let alone say it.
• That one can never own too many sippy cup lids or refrigerator magnets.
• Scientific names of dinosaurs from A to Z.
• That reverse psychology really works.
• The recipe for a homemade version of Play-doh.
• That Duplo and Lego blocks procreate in the night.
• The distinctive sounds of Cheerios crunching underfoot.
• Why they call them Happy meals.
• How far you can dilute juice and still retain it's taste.
• That man (or child anyway) really can live on peanut butter alone.
• That gender inequality starts early in clothing: Boy's underpants have a wide band on top, while the waistband and leg holes on girls look the same, increasing the odds that she'll pull 'em on tangles or upside down.
• Sesame Street's air time.
• That the more my kids learn, the less I seem to know.
• The blessedness of naps, the inviolate importance of routines.
• And the one I wanted to add ... How much you could love one human being!

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